{"id":1187,"date":"2024-11-29T00:54:10","date_gmt":"2024-11-29T00:54:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/?p=1187"},"modified":"2024-11-29T00:54:10","modified_gmt":"2024-11-29T00:54:10","slug":"the-man-who-married-an-hotel-by-p-g-wodehouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/?p=1187","title":{"rendered":"The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. G. Wodehouse"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The Man Who Married an Hotel by <a href=\"https:\/\/quizlit.org\/jeeves-and-the-unbidden-guest-by-p-g-wodehouse\">P. G. Wodehouse<\/a> first appeared in The Strand Magazine, March 1920. The short story was later incorporated into the novel Indiscretions of Archie.<\/p>\n<p><em>This post may contain affiliate links that earn us a commission at no extra cost to you.<\/em><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. G. Wodehouse<\/h2>\n<div class=\"epyt-video-wrapper\">\n<div class=\"__youtube_prefs__ epyt-facade no-lazyload\"><button class=\"epyt-facade-play\"><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. G. Wodehouse<\/h3>\n<p>Peace had come at last. The Great War, with all its horrors, \u2014its spy plays, its war novels, its articles by our military expert, and its revues with patriotic first-act finales\u2014 had passed away like a dark cloud. The time of Reconstruction had arrived, and all the old problems had sneaked back like unwanted dogs from the background into which war had thrust them. There they all were, clamouring for attention, just as they had been five years ago. England was asking herself: \u201cHow about Ireland? How about Labour: And what on earth are we to do with Archie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>To be exact, this last problem was the private perplexity of the Moffam family. It exercised them to the exclusion of all the others.<\/p>\n<p>Archie was a good chap. Everybody admitted that, though his family were perhaps a little less enthusiastic than the outside public. He was All Right, a sportsman, one of the lads, and a good egg. But he did not seem able to make a living. Just before the war started he had passed affably through the Bankruptcy Court and had turned up at home, cheerfully confident that somebody would do something for him. As a matter of fact, somebody did. A perfect stranger. The late Kaiser in fact. He kept Archie busier than he had been in his life for just over five years. But now that period of activity was over, and Archie was back home again, very hard and fit, with a questioning look in the eye which he turned upon his family, which said plainer than if he had spoken the words: \u201cWell, old beans, how do we go? What about it, what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It was his brother Rupert, the head of the family, who finally answered the question.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think, old, man,\u201d he said to Archie in the smoking-room at the Beefsteak Club, \u201cyou\u2019d better trot over to America and see if you can\u2019t wrangle something over there. Land of Opportunity, and all that sort of thing, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie was agreeable. If he lacked most of the qualities that make for material success, he had at any rate one of them\u2014the willingness to try anything once.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust as you say,\u201d he replied. \u201cI\u2019d be glad to take a stab at it. As a matter of fact, I\u2019ve one or two pretty good pals in America. Met \u2018em in France. There was one chappie\u2014he was a cook in the Rainbow Division \u2014 I got very thick with. He asked me to look him up if I ever came over. His pater\u2019s a millionaire.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can get you several letters of introduction. There\u2019s a Mrs. Van Tuyl, who was over here two or three years ago. You\u2019ll like her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRight-o! And as regards what you might call the sordid side of the jolly old expedition\u2014\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I\u2019ll see that you have plenty of money.\u201d Rupert paused for a moment a little thoughtfully. \u201cEnough money,\u201d he went on. \u201cBut, of course, the idea is that you\u2019ll try to get a job, what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, absolutely!\u201d said Archie.<\/p>\n<p>Over in New York, Daniel Brewster, the proprietor of the Cosmopolis Hotel, went placidly about his business. No sympathetic angel whispered the details of this conversation in his ear. \u201cSee,\u201d as the poet says, \u201chow, regardless of their doom, the little victims play.\u201d That was exactly Daniel Brewster\u2019s position.<\/p>\n<p>Mutual antipathy is a curious thing, odder even than love at first sight. Scores of people were extremely fond of Archie Moffam, and Daniel Brewster likewise had a large circle of friends. Each, therefore, one would say, had the elements of popularity in him, and there was no reason, why they should not have got along capitally together, except that they did not.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, their first meeting was unfortunate. Its conditions were such that neither saw the other at his best and sunniest. It happened in the lobby of the Cosmopolis Hotel, on the morning after Archie\u2019s arrival in New York. Archie opened the proceedings by addressing the desk-clerk. There was gloom on Archie\u2019s brow, and the old fighting spirit of the Moffams gleamed in his eye.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI say, laddie,\u201d said Archie, \u201cI want to see the manager.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs there anything I could do, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, as a matter of fact, old man, I want to kick up a fearful row, and it seems hardly fait to lug you into it. The blighter whose head I want on a charger is the jolly old manager!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At this point a massive, grey-haired man, who had been standing close by, gazing on the lobby with a look of restrained severity, as if daring it to start anything, joined in the conversation.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI am the manager,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>His eye was cold and hostile. Others, it seemed to say, might like Archie Moffam, but he did not. As a matter of fact, Daniel Brewster was bristling for combat. What he had overheard had shocked him to the core of his being. He owned the Cosmopolis Hotel. It was his own private, personal world, after his daughter Lucille. He prided himself on the fact that his hotel was not like other hotels, which were run by impersonal companies and shareholders and boards of directors, and consequently lacked the paternal touch which made the Cosmopolis what it was. At other hotels things went wrong, and clients complained. At the Cosmopolis things never went wrong, because he was there on the spot to see that they didn\u2019t, and as a result clients never complained. Yet here was this long, thin, string-bean of a young man actually registering annoyance and dissatisfaction before his very eyes. His dislike of Archie Moffam began that instant.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat is your complaint?\u201d he inquired, frigidly.<\/p>\n<p>Archie attached himself to the top button of Mr. Brewster\u2019s coat, and was immediately dislodged by an irritable jerk of the other\u2019s body.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI took a room here last night,\u201d said Archie, quivering with self-pity and reaching absently for the button again. \u201cA dashed expensive room. And there was a beastly tap outside somewhere that went \u2018drip-drip-drip\u2019 all night and kept me awake.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster was annoyed. He felt that a chink had been found in his armour. Not even the most paternal hotel-proprietor can keep an eye on every tap in his establishment.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I put my boots outside my door when I went to bed, and this morning they hadn\u2019t been touched. I give you my solemn word! Not Touched!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNaturally,\u201d said Mr. Brewster. \u201cMy employ\u00e9s are honest.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I wanted them cleaned, dash it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere is a shoe-shining parlour in the basement. At the Cosmopolis shoes left outside bedroom doors are not cleaned.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen I think the Cosmopolis is a bally rotten hotel!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster\u2019s compact frame quivered. The unforgivable insult had been offered. Question the legitimacy of Mr. Brewster\u2019s parentage, knock Mr. Brewster down and walk on his face with spiked shoes, and you did not irremediably close all avenues to a peaceful settlement. But make a remark like Archie\u2019s about his hotel, and war was definitely declared. He stiffened.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn that case,\u201d he said, \u201cI must ask you to give up your room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m going to give it up! I wouldn\u2019t stay in the bally place another minute.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster walked away, and Archie charged, snorting, round to the cashier\u2019s window to demand his bill. It had been his intention in any case, though for dramatic purposes he concealed it from his adversary, to leave the hotel that morning. An exchange of telegrams had resulted in an invitation from his brother Rupert\u2019s friend, Mrs. Van Tuyl, to her house-party at Bar Harbour, and Archie proposed to go there at once. But oh, the difference between leaving the Cosmopolis as he would have done and leaving it as he did!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell,\u201d mused Archie, on his way to the station, \u201cone thing\u2019s certain. I\u2019ll never set foot in that bally place again!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But nothing in this world is certain.<\/p>\n<p>It was about two weeks later that a telegram arrived for Mr. Daniel Brewster. Not that this was unusual, for he was a man who received many telegrams. But this one was rather interesting. It ran: \u2014<\/p>\n<p>Returning New York to-day with darling Archie. Lots of love from us both. \u2014 Lucille.<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster was puzzled, not to say startled. When you send your only daughter away to Bar Harbour for the summer minus any entanglements and she mentions in a telegram that she has acquired a darling Archie who send you lots of love, you are naturally startled. It occurred to Mr. Brewster that by neglecting a careful study of his mail during the past week, as was his bad habit when busy, he had passed an opportunity of keeping abreast with current happenings. He recollected now that a letter had arrived from Lucille a day or two before, and he had put it away unopened till he should have leisure to read it. He was extremely busy just now with the preliminaries of building a new hotel, and Lucille was a dear girl, but her letters when on a vacation seldom contained anything that couldn\u2019t wait a few days for a reading. He now leaped into the elevator, sprinted along the corridor leading to his suite, and made a dive for the letter.<\/p>\n<p>It was a long letter. Boiling it down, it announced that Lucille had met the most angelic man, and Englishman, and they were both so much in love with each other that they had simply been compelled to slip off and get married at once. Otherwise, they would have kept him posted about things earlier. And, anyway, darling Archie had wanted a quiet wedding, because he said a fellow looked such a chump getting married. And he must learn to love Archie, because Archie was all set to love him very much.<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster sat down abruptly and breathed heavily through his nose.<\/p>\n<p>At about the same time, in a drawingroom on the express from Bar Harbour, Archie Moffam sat contemplating his bride. His brain had been in something of a whirl these last days, but one thought had always emerged clearly from the welter\u2014the thought that this was too good to be true.<\/p>\n<p>Mrs. Archie Moffam, n\u00e9e Lucille Brewster, was small and slender. She had a little animated face, set in a cloud of dark hair. She was so altogether perfect that Archie was compelled to take the marriage licence out of his inside pocket at intervals and study it furtively, to make himself realize that this miracle of good fortune had really happened to him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHonestly, old bean\u2014I mean, dear old thing\u2014I mean darling,\u201d said Archie, \u201cI can\u2019t believe it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat I mean is, I can\u2019t understand why you should have married me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lucille\u2019s eyes opened. She squeezed his hand.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy, you\u2019re the most wonderful thing in the world, precious! Surely you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbsolutely escaped my notice. Are you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course I\u2019m sure! You wonder-child! Nobody could see you without loving you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie heaved an ecstatic sigh. Then a thought crossed his mind. It was a thought with frequently came to mar his bliss.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI say, I wonder if your father will think that!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course he will!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ve rather sprung this, as it were, on the old lad,\u201d said Archie, dubiously. \u201cWhat sort of a man is your father?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather\u2019s a darling, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRummy thing he should own that hotel,\u201d said Archie. \u201cI had a frightful row with a blighter of a manager there just before I left for Bar Harbour. Your father ought to sack that chap. He was a blot on the landscape!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It had been settled by Lucille during the journey that Archie should be broken gently to his father-in-law. That is to say, instead of bounding blithely into Mr. Brewster\u2019s presence hand in hand, the happy pair should separate for half an hour or so, Archie hanging around in the offing while Lucille saw her father and told him the whole story, or those chapters of it which she had omitted from her letter for want of space. Then, having impressed Mr. Brewster sufficiently with his luck in having acquired Archie for a son-in-law, she would lead him to where his bit of good fortune awaited him.<\/p>\n<p>The programme worked out admirably in its earlier stages. When the two emerged from Mr. Brewster\u2019s room to meet Archie, Mr. Brewster\u2019s general idea was that fortune had smiled upon him in an almost unbelievable fashion and had presented him with a son-in-law who combined in almost equal parts the more admirable characteristics of Apollo, Sir Galahad, and Marcus Aurelius. True, he had gathered in the course of the conversation that dear Archie had no occupation and no private means: but Mr. Brewster felt that a great-souled man like Archie didn\u2019t need them. You can\u2019t have everything, and Archie, according to Lucille\u2019s account, was practically a hundred per cent, man in Soul, Looks, Manners, Amiability, and Breeding. These are the things that count. Mr. Brewster proceeded to the lobby in a glow of optimism and geniality.<\/p>\n<p>Consequently, when he perceived Archie, he got a bit of a shock.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHullo-ullo-ullo!\u201d said Archie, advancing happily.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cArchie, darling, this is father,\u201d said Lucille.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood Lord!\u201d said Archie.<\/p>\n<p>There was one of those silences. Mr. Brewster looked at Archie. Archie gazed at Mr. Brewster. Lucille, perceiving without understanding why that the big introduction scene had stubbed its toe on some unlooked-for obstacle, waited anxiously for enlightenment. Meanwhile, Archie continued to inspect Mr. Brewster, and Mr. Brewster continued to drink in Archie.<\/p>\n<p>After an awkward pause of about three and a quarter minutes, Mr. Brewster swallowed once, or twice, and finally spoke.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLu!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, father?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs this true?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lucille\u2019s grey eyes clouded over with perplexity and apprehension.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTrue?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave you really inflicted this\u2014this on me for a son-in-law?\u201d Mr. Brewster swallowed a few more times, Archie the while watching with a frozen fascination the rapid shimmying of his new relative\u2019s Adam\u2019s-apple. \u201cGo away! I want to have a few words alone with this\u2014this\u2014wassyourdamname?\u201d he demanded, in an overwrought manner, addressing Archie for the first time.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI told you, father. It\u2019s Moom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMoom?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s spelt M-o-f-f-a-m, but pronounced Moon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTo rhyme,\u201d said Archie, helpfully, \u201cwith Bluffinghame.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLu,\u201d said Mr. Brewster, \u201crun away! I want to speak to\u2014to\u2014to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou called me this before,\u201d said Archie.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou aren\u2019t angry, father, dear?\u201d said Lucille.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, no! Oh, no! I\u2019m tickled to death!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When his daughter had withdrawn, Mr. Brewster drew a long breath.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, then!\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBit embarrassing, all this, what!\u201d said Archie, chattily. \u201cI mean to say, having met before in less happy circs  and what not. Rum coincidence and so forth! How would it be to bury the jolly old hatchet\u2014start a new life\u2014forgive and forget\u2014learn to love each other\u2014and all that sort of rot? I\u2019m game if you are. How do we go? Is it a bet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster remained entirely unsoftened by this manly appeal to his better feelings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat the devil do you mean by marrying my daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie reflected.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, it sort of happened, don\u2019t you know! You know how these things are! Young yourself once, and all that. I was most frightfully in love, and Lu seemed to think it wouldn\u2019t be a bad scheme, and one thing led to another, and \u2014well, there you are, don\u2019t you know!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I suppose you think you\u2019ve done pretty well for yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, absolutely! As far as I\u2019m concerned, everything\u2019s topping! I\u2019ve never felt so braced in my life!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes!\u201d said Mr. Brewster, with bitterness. \u201cI suppose, from your view-point, everything is \u2018topping.\u2019 You haven\u2019t a cent to your name, and you\u2019ve managed to fool a rich man\u2019s daughter into marrying you. I supposed you looked me up in Bradstreet before committing yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This aspect of the matter had not struck Archie until this moment.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI say!\u201d he observed, with dismay. \u201cI never looked at it like that before! I can see that, from your point of view, this must look like a bit of a wash-out!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow do you propose to support Lucille, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie ran his finger round the inside of his collar. He felt embarrassed. His father-in-law was opening up all kinds of new lines of thought.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, there, old bean,\u201d he admitted, frankly, \u201cyou rather have me!\u201d He turned the matter over for a moment. \u201cI had a sort of idea of, as it were, working, if you know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWorking at what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, there again you stump me somewhat! The general scheme was that I should kind of look around, you know, and nose about and buzz to and from till something turned up. That was, broadly speaking, the notion!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd how did you suppose that my daughter was to live while you were doing all this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I think,\u201d said Archie, \u201cI think we rather expected you to rally round a bit for the nonce.!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI see! You expected to live on me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you put it a bit crudely, but\u2014as far as I had mapped anything out\u2014that was what you might call the general scheme of procedure. You don\u2019t think much of it, what? Yes? No?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster exploded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo! I do not think much of it! Good God! You go out of my hotel\u2014my hotel\u2014calling it all the names you could think of\u2014roasting it to beat the band\u2014\u2014\u201d<br \/>\u201cTrifle hasty!\u201d murmured Archie, apologetically. \u201cSpoke without thinking. Dashed tap had gone drip-drip-drip all night\u2014kept me awake\u2014hadn\u2019t had breakfast\u2014bygones be bygones\u2014\u2014!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t interrupt! I say, you go out of my hotel, knocking as none has ever knocked it since it was built, and you sneak straight off and marry my daughter without my knowledge.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid think of wiring for blessing. Slipped the old bean, somehow. You know how one forgets things!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd now you come back and calmly expect me to fling my arms round you and kiss you, and support you for the rest of your life!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnly while I\u2019m nosing about and buzzing to and fro.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I suppose I\u2019ve got to support you. There seems no way out of it. I\u2019ll tell you exactly what I propose to do. You think my hotel is a pretty poor hotel, eh? Well, you\u2019ll have plenty of opportunity of judging, because you\u2019re coming to live here. I\u2019ll let you have a suite and I\u2019ll let you have your meals, but outside of that\u2014nothing doing! Nothing doing! Do you understand what I mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbsolutely! You mean \u2018Napoo\u2019!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can sign checks for a reasonable amount in my restaurant, and the hotel will look after your laundry. But not a cent do you get out of me. And, if you want your shoes shined, you can pay for it yourself in the basement. If you leave them outside your door, I\u2019ll instruct the floor-waiter to throw them down the air-shaft. Do you understand? Good! Now, is there anything more you want to ask?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie smiled a propitiatory smile.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, as a matter of fact, I was going to ask if you would stagger along and have a bit with us in the grill-room?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI will not!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll sign the check,\u201d said Archie, ingratiatingly. \u201cYou don\u2019t think much of it? Oh, right-o!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There is a perverseness in human nature which never permits us to know when we are well off. A canvass of the opinions of the inhabitants of New York would certainly have resulted in a verdict that Archie Moffam, the perpetual free guest of the Cosmopolis, was on velvet. The Cosmopolis is the best-run hotel in the city, and famous alike for the comfort of its rooms and the excellence of its cuisine. To be set down at the Cosmopolis with a free suite and a free hand in the matter of signing checks for meals would have been most New Yorkers\u2019 idea of heaven. Yet Archie\u2019s generous soul chafed him. For a time he was perfectly happy; then, gradually, \u201cshades of the prison-house,\u201d so to speak, \u201cbegan to close upon the growing boy.\u201d In other words, he got dashed fed-up with the place.<\/p>\n<p>After a month of breakfasting, lunching, and dining at the Comsopolis, his chief problem was the difficulty of making up his mind whether he loathed the grill-rom or the main dining-room the more intensely.<\/p>\n<p>It was at the end of this first month that he became really intimate with Salvatore.<\/p>\n<p>Salvatore was the dark, sinister-looking waiter who attended, among other tables, to the one at the far end of the grill-room, at which Archie usually sat. For several weeks Archie\u2019s conversations with the other dealt exclusively with the bill of fare and its contents; but, as time went by and he began to long for human companionship, he found himself becoming more personal. Besides, there was something about the waiter\u2019s demeanour that appealed to Archie\u2019s always sympathetic heart. Salvatore was a man with a grievance. You could tell that by looking at him; and Archie had been looking at him every day for a month. Whether he was merely homesick and brooding on the lost delights of his sunny native land, or whether his trouble was more definite, could only be ascertained by inquiry. So Archie inquired. Even before the war and its democratizing influences, Archie had always lacked that reserve which characterizes most Britons; and since the war he had looked on nearly everybody he met as a brother.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s something on your mind, old thing,\u201d said Archie.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSare?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI say there would appear to be something on your mind besides your hair. What seems to be the trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The waiter shrugged his shoulders, as if indicating an unwillingness to inflict his troubles upon one of the tipping classes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCome on!\u201d said Archie, encouragingly. \u201cAll pals here! Barge along, old bean, and let\u2019s have it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Salvatore, thus urged, proceeded, in a hurried undertone\u2014with one eye on the head waiter\u2014to lay bare his soul. What he said was not very coherent, but Archie could make enough of it to gather that it was a sad story of excessive hours.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlways,\u201d said Salvatore. \u201cAlways\u2014always\u2014I am in this dam hotel!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know what you mean, laddie!\u201d said Archie, feelingly. He tapped the waiter earnestly on the chest with his oyster fork. \u201cMy dear old chap,\u201d he said, \u201cthere\u2019s only one thing to be done. You must strike! It\u2019s the only scheme. Everybody\u2019s doing it now!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Salvatore shrugged his shoulders again. It appeared that he had already sounded the other waiters guardedly on the matter of a strike, but the spineless peons seemed to be unwilling to jeopardize their jobs by making any demonstration. And you couldn\u2019t strike by yourself.<\/p>\n<p>The reasonableness of this was plain to Archie. He mused a while. The waiter\u2019s hard case touched him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll tell you what,\u201d he said, at last. \u201cYou come along with me when you\u2019re off duty, and we\u2019ll beard the old boy in his den. I\u2019ll introduce you, and you get that extract from Italian opera off your chest which you\u2019ve just been singing to me. It can\u2019t fail. He\u2019ll probably hand you his bank-roll.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The result was that Mr. Brewster, busy with accounts in his private room, was infuriated that evening by the entry of his son-in-law, heading a procession consisting of himself and a dark, furtive person who looked like something connected with the executive staff of the Black Hand.<br \/>\u201cNot interrupting you, what?\u201d began Archie, amiably. \u201cI say, this sportsman here has a few well-chosen words to say to you on the subject of dirty work at the cross-roads, so to speak. It seems the lad is oppressed and ground down and what not. He\u2019s a waiter in the grill-room, so I suppose you\u2019re probably old pals. If not, let me do the honours. Mr. Brewster, our courteous and popular boss. Salvatore (I wouldn\u2019t swear that\u2019s his name, but it sounded like it), the Italian Whirlwind. Seconds out! Time! Go to it, laddie! Spill the bad news!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And before Mr. Brewster could get his breath Salvatore had begun to spill. It was not such a long harangue as he had given Archie in the grill-room, for in the middle of it Mr. Brewster, finding speech, ejected him from the room. But it sufficed to bring the hotel-proprietor to boiling-point. Though not a linguist, he could follow the discourse closely enough to realize that the waiter was dissatisfied with conditions in his hotel. And we have already seen Mr. Brewster\u2019s attitude towards people who criticized the Cosmopolis.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re fired!\u201d said Mr. Brewster.<\/p>\n<p>Salvatore receded, muttering what sounded like a passage from Dante.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I wish to heaven,\u201d added Mr. Brewster, eyeing his son-in-law malignantly, \u201cI could fire you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That night, meeting his father-in-law in the elevator, Archie found occasion to touch upon Salvatore again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI say, that chappie with the grievance, whom you slung out this evening. I don\u2019t know it if interests you, but he appears to be slightly narked.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster signified that he was not interested. Archie chuckled amusedly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe said he meant to pay you out. He didn\u2019t specify how. I say,\u201d said Archie, cheerfully, \u201cperhaps he means to waylay you in a dark alley somewhere and insert about six inches of a stiletto in your lower ribs. Rather a lark, what! I understand these Italian chappies are always doing that sort of thing. Oh, well, you\u2019ve had a long and happy life!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie\u2019s optimism, however, was not rewarded. Day followed day, and Mr. Brewster preserved an unpunctured skin; and his manner towards his son-in-law was becoming more and more a manner that would have caused gossip on the plantation if Simon Legree had exhibited it in his relations with Uncle Tom. Mr. Brewster\u2019s normal distasted for his daughter\u2019s husband was increased about this time by the fact that he was worried over business matter; and, when your man of affairs is worried over business, he is apt to become irritable even with his nearest and dearest. It is not to be wondered at, therefore, that the spectacle of his son-in-law mooning about the hotel should have afflicted Mr. Brewster to some extent. At any rate, whether it is to be wondered at or not, it did.<\/p>\n<p>The details of the business which was worrying Mr. Brewster were at first hidden from Archie, and he made no effort to probe into them. It was enough for his simple, unspoiled nature that his father-in-law should be worried. That was happiness enough for him.<\/p>\n<p>It was Lucille who apprised him of the nature of the trouble.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cArchie, darling,\u201d said Lucille, one afternoon as they sat at lunch, \u201cit\u2019s such a shame about father!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There was a troubled look in Lucille\u2019s grey eyes. Life was not running as it should these days.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know!\u201d said Archie. \u201cI was hoping that Italian chappie would have done something definite by this time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lucille regarded him with surprise.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy, has father been talking to you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe hasn\u2019t been very chatty of late. What do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you spoke as if you know all about it. I mean, all about Salvatore. The waiter, you know, whom father dismissed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI remember the chappie. What\u2019s he been doing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you know father wants to build a new hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI heard something about it. But he doesn\u2019t confide in me much, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, he does want to build an hotel, and he thought he\u2019d got the site, and everything, and could start building right away, when this hitch occurred.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat hitch, queen of my soul?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The waiter was hovering over their table with dishes. Lucille waited till he had gone.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell,\u201d she said, \u201cthis man Salvatore\u2019s mother owns a little newspaper and tobacco shop right in the middle of the site where father, poor darling, wants to build; and there\u2019s no way of getting him out without buying the shop, and he won\u2019t sell. At least, he\u2019s made his mother promise that she won\u2019t sell.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA boy\u2019s best friend is his mother,\u201d said Archie, approvingly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo father\u2019s in despair.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI knew old friend Salvatore would come out strong in the end if you only gave him time. Great pal of mine. Man of ripe intellect.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lucille\u2019s small face lightened. She gazed at Archie with proud affection. She had known all along that he was the one to solve this difficulty.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re wonderful, darling! Is he really a friend of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbsolutely! Quite the old college chum!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen it\u2019s all right. If you went to him and got him to sell the shop, father would be happy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know. That is the objection, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThink how grateful father would be to you! It would make all the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie turned this over in his mind.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI see what you mean. How much did your father offer the Johnnie for his shop?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know. There is father. Call him over and ask him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie glanced over to where Mr. Brewster had sunk moodily into a chair at a neighbouring table.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou call him,\u201d he said. \u201cYou know him better.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet\u2019s go over to him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They crossed the room. Lucille sat down opposite her father. Archie draped himself over a chair in the background.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather, dear,\u201d said Lucille. \u201cArchie has got an idea!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cArchie?\u201d said Mr. Brewster, incredulously.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is me,\u201d said Archie, indicating himself with a spoon. \u201cThe tall, distinguished-looking bird.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat new fool-thing is he up to now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a splendid idea father. He wants to help you over your new hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWants to run it for me, I suppose?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBy Jove!\u201d said Archie, reflectively. \u201cThat\u2019s not a bad scheme! I never thought of running an hotel. I shouldn\u2019t mind taking a stab at it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe has thought of a way of getting rid of Salvatore and his shop.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For the first time Mr. Brewster\u2019s interest in the conversation seemed to stir. He looked sharply at his son-in-law.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe has, has he?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>Archie balanced a roll on a fork and inserted a plate underneath. The roll bounded away into a corner.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry!\u201d said Archie. \u201cMy fault, absolutely! I owe you a roll. I\u2019ll sign a check for it. Oh, about this sportsman Salvatore. Well, it\u2019s like this, you know. He and I are great pals. I\u2019ve known him for years and years. At least, it seems like years and years. Lu was suggesting that I seek him out in his lair and ensnare him with my diplomatic manner and superior brain power and what not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt was your idea, precious,\u201d said Lucille.<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster was silent. Much as it went against the grain to have to admit it, there seemed to be something in this.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you propose to do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecome a jolly old ambassador. How much did you offer the chappie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThree thousand dollars. Twice as much as the place is worth. He\u2019s holding out on me for revenge.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAh, but how did you offer it to him, what? I mean to say, I bet you got your lawyer to write him a letter full of whereases, peradventures, and parties of the first part, and so forth. No good, old companion!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t call me old companion!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll wrong, laddie! Nothing like it, dear heart! No good at all friend of my youth! Take it from your Uncle Archibald! I\u2019m a student of human nature, and I know a thing or two!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not much,\u201d growled Mr. Brewster, who was finding his son-in-law\u2019s superior manner a little trying.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, don\u2019t interrupt, father!\u201d said Lucille, severely. \u201cCan\u2019t you see that Archie is going to be tremendously clever in a minute?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s got to show me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat you ought to do,\u201d said Archie, \u201cis to let me go and see him, taking the stuff in crackling bills. I\u2019ll roll them about on the table in front of him. That\u2019ll fetch him!\u201d He prodded Mr. Brewster encouragingly with a roll. \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what to do. Give me three thousand of the best and crispest, and I\u2019ll undertake to buy that shop. It can\u2019t fail, laddie!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t call me laddie!\u201d Mr. Brewster pondered. \u201cVery well,\u201d he said at last. \u201cI didn\u2019t know you had so much sense,\u201d he added, grudgingly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, positively!\u201d said Archie. \u201cBeneath a rugged exterior I hide a brain like a buzz-saw. Sense? I exude it, laddie; I drip with it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There were moments during the ensuing days when Mr. Brewster permitted himself to hope; but more frequent were the moments when he told himself that a pronounced chump like his son-in-law could not fail somehow to make a mess of the negotiations. His relief, therefore, when Archie curveted into his private room and announced that he had succeeded was great.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou really managed to make that wop sell out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie brushed some papers off the desk with a careless gesture, and seated himself on the vacant spot.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbsolutely! I spoke to him as one old friend to another, sprayed the bills all over the place; and he sang a few bars from \u2018Rigoletto,\u2019 and signed on the dotted line.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re not such a fool as you look,\u201d owned Mr. Brewster.<\/p>\n<p>Archie scratched a match on the desk and lit a cigarette.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a jolly little shop,\u201d he said. \u201cI took quite a fancy to it. Full of newspapers, don\u2019t you know, and cheap novels, and some weird-looking sort of chocolates, and cigars with the most fearfully attractive labels. I think I\u2019ll make a success of it. It\u2019s bang in the middle of a dashed good neighbourhood. One of these days somebody will be building a big hotel round about there, and that\u2019ll help trade a lot. I look forward to ending my days on the other side of the counter with a full set of white whiskers and a skull-cap, beloved by everybody. Everybody\u2019ll say, \u2018Oh, you must patronize that quaint, delightful old blighter! He\u2019s quite a character.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster\u2019s air of grim satisfaction had given way to a look of discomfort, almost of alarm. He presumed his son-in-law was merely indulging in badinage; but even so, his words were not soothing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m much obliged,\u201d he said. \u201cThat infernal shop was holding up everything. Now I can start building right away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Archie raised his eyebrows.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut, my dear old top, I\u2019m sorry to spoil your day-dreams and stop you chasing rainbows, and all that, but aren\u2019t you forgetting that the shop belongs to me? I don\u2019t at all know that I want to sell, either!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI gave you the money to buy that shop!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd dashed generous of you it was, too!\u201d admitted Archie, unreservedly. \u201cIt was the first money you ever gave me, and I shall always tell interviewers that it was you who founded my fortunes. Someday, when I\u2019m the newspaper-and-Tobacco-Shop King, I\u2019ll tell the world all about it in my autobiography.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mr. Brewster rose dangerously from his seat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you think you can hold me up, you\u2014you worm?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell,\u201d said Archie, \u201cthe way I look at it is this. Ever since we met, you\u2019ve been after me to become one of the world\u2019s workers and earn a living for myself, and what not; and now I see a way to repay you for your confidence and encouragement. You\u2019ll look me up sometimes at the good old shop, won\u2019t you?\u201d He slid off the table and moved towards the door. \u201cThere won\u2019t be any formalities where you are concerned. You can sign checks for any reasonable amount any time you want a cigar or a stick of chocolate. Well, toodle-oo!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStop!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow much do you want for that damned shop?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want money. I want a job. If you are going to take my life-work away from me, you ought to give me something else to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat job?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou suggested it yourself the other day. I want to manage your new hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t be a fool! What do you know about managing an hotel?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing. It will be your pleasing task to teach me the business while the shanty is being run up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There was a pause, while Mr. Brewster chewed three inches off a pen-holder.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cVery well,\u201d he said at last.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTopping!\u201d said Archie. \u201cI knew you\u2019d see it. I\u2019ll study your methods, what! Adding some of my own, of course. You know, I\u2019ve thought of one improvement on the Cosmopolis already.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cImprovement on the Cosmopolis!\u201d cried Mr. Brewster, gashed in his finest feelings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes. There\u2019s one point where the old Cosmop slips up badly, and I\u2019m going to see that it\u2019s corrected at my little shack. Customers will be entreated to leave their boots outside their doors at night, and they\u2019ll find them cleaned in the morning. Well, pip, pip! I must be popping. Time is money, you know, with us business men.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d asked Mr. Brewster, suspiciously.<\/p>\n<p>Archie breathed a sigh of ecstatic anticipation.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m going over to the Ritz to get a bite to eat!\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">Best P. G. Wodehouse Books to Read<\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3RZuSCz\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/46REPG6\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3tpctEL\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3RUqCUN\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><\/a><br \/>\nClick on the image to buy a copy<\/p>\n<p>If you enjoyed The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. G. Wodehouse, you can also read <a href=\"https:\/\/quizlit.org\/death-at-the-excelsior-by-p-g-wodehouse\">Death at the Excelsior by P. G. Wodehouse here on Quizlit<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Narrated by Kirk\u2019s Voice, courtesy of Librivox<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. G. Wodehouse first appeared in The Strand Magazine, March 1920. The short story was later incorporated into the novel Indiscretions of Archie. This post may contain affiliate links that earn us a commission at no extra cost to you. The Man Who Married an Hotel by P. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":1188,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bookreviews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1187"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1187"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1187\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1188"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bookloves.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}