A touching examination of life-changing loss and the long road toward something like closure
In a moving triptych of loss and recovery, Fredricka R. Maister chronicles the three significant losses that have shaped her life. She frames them with a final series of reflections that acknowledge how far she’s come in facing the deaths of her father, boyfriend, and mother. Three Times a Mourner: Personal Essays on Grief and Healing digs deep into how the loss of loved ones changes you permanently.
It’s striking to see Maister shut out of the grieving process as a child in the 1960s when her father died suddenly at age 54. The prevailing theory was that not talking about death shielded kids from these hard feelings. At the same time, talking frequently and freely about Richard’s murder with other survivors of violent crime when she was an adult—while better in some ways—still didn’t give Maister a quick and clear path to “closure.” Even the “good” death of her mother—of old age, basically—left Maister feeling unmoored again. Through it all, Maister struggles to cope, and her self-examination is heartening for anyone facing similar losses.
The essays are subtly affecting, if sometimes surprisingly brief. The through-lines of anger, abandonment and loss, despite the fact that each passing couldn’t be more different in the details, are clear. Maister’s work is illustrative for anyone meandering through their own grief journey. Her reflective voice is welcoming and yet brutally honest. She makes room for readers to sit and feel their feelings as she has learned to do.
It’s easy to think someone gifted with words can handily write through hard times. Yet Maister shows that none of us is spared from struggling with this experience, even if we are all unique in our grieving needs. Her multidisciplinary approach to mourning included Jewish rituals, retreats, a DIY memorial for Richard at Bear Mountain north of New York City, therapy, support groups, and simply writing. The path remains the same—that is, inconsistent, full of good days and bad days, and most years better than the one before. And every once in a while, there’s a glimmer of hope, of joy, and of happiness that life does go on, and we take those loved ones with us in our hearts.
Maister combines these essays into a cohesive and meditative collection that readers may want to return to during hard times. If Maister can come to terms with such heavy losses, it means there’s hope that the rest of us can, too.
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