Based on the idea that connection is at the core of human happiness, this book combines clinical psychology with real world experiences to create a flexible system for improving relationships.
The first in a three-volume series on developing the skills to foster healthy relationships, Konnect Better dissects the ingredients of “Committed Connection.” This is the act of becoming aware of the value of good relationships but also recognizing the factors and beliefs that are either conducive or destructive to the quality of relationships.
Drawing on numerous studies and surveys, the authors—who have roots in the finance and business worlds—convincingly show that it is the intangible relationships rather than any amount of wealth or material success that define happiness. Early on, the book illustrates this through examples of the authors’ ultra-high net worth clients who, despite enjoying the most rarefied luxuries the world has to offer, find themselves lonely, abandoned, and unable to harness their business acumen in the service of their ability to connect with others. Transitioning from such large, philosophical positions, the rest of the book outlines practical relationship building skills and examples of them being (or not being) implemented in everyday life.
“For ultra-affluent individuals, the practice of compounding capital that will live on beyond their lifetimes is well entrenched.However, the idea of compounding the quality of their relationships may not receive the same attention.”
Divided into three parts that guide readers from self understanding to action to longterm thinking and practices that can preserve relationships, Konnect Better revolves around redefining conventional ideas that don’t serve connection. For instance, though positivity sounds “good,” blanket positivity can be a point of conflict in relationships when it is disconnected from reality. Similarly, resentment arising from the well intentioned desire to say “yes” to every request undermines the value of that “yes.”
In both cases the book offers writing practices and guides for developing the capacity for saying “no” and being critical rather than simply naively optimistic. While these ideas may appear counterintuitive, the book demonstrates how such adjustments can support a healthy relationship, which, in turn, creates its own positivity. In a memorable study cited, climbers feel more confident in front of a cliff when standing beside a loved one.
“The biggest obstacle to behavior change? Fear of looking foolish or vulnerable. But here’s a thought: regret doesn’t come from the things you tried and failed at—it comes from the things you didn’t try at all.”
Written in a snappy, quotable register, every chapter is chock-full of pithy aphorisms and concise examples that illustrate moments of relational downfall or success—in a business, in a personal situation, and often in both. This writing style allows for short chapters to introduce ideas, develop them quickly, and complement them with a host of charts, reader exercises, and outside resources.
Further reading sections follow each chapter and highlight outside books on the subject. There are also expansive appendices that delve into assessing current relationships and other useful tools for integrating the book into regular life. Beyond this, the prompts and guided writing exercises integrated into the text make the book applicable to individuals struggling with all kinds of different relationships and create a built-in space for tailoring lessons and techniques to unique situations.
“The truth is, relationships aren’t about finding someone perfect. They’re about building something meaningful with someone imperfect—just like you. And the more we focus on accepting the person in front of us, rather than idealizing someone else, the deeper and more fulfilling our relationships become.”
There is, however, a pitfall to the brevity and user-friendly format, as it often leads the book toward breadth at the expense of depth. Many quickly sketched real world examples inevitably leave out nuances that contribute to the downfall of specific relationships and create nagging doubts about conclusions drawn. The idea of “connection” also feels overly expansive at times, spreading out to touch nearly all spheres of life in a way that weakens the precision of the concept. Still, the clarity of the book’s overall framework and practical exercises make it a persuasive and actionable initiation into rethinking relationships.
An instructive exploration of how relationships succeed or fail based on the quality of connection, Konnect Better offers a clear-eyed argument for reimagining how we work with and relate to one another.
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